A mind that won't stop running....

I don't really know where to start, I feel like whatever I type I'm going to be rambling on and not making much sense, so I'll apologize now. Its kinda weird that I happen to get an email to remind me now that I have this thing, because I've been wanting something that I can just type out all my feelings, its amazing how God knows. You know I've been raised in church and I've had some touching services (for a lack of way putting it) but it really hasn't been till recently that I can truly FEEL God in my life. I've had friends that I've went to church with my whole life. Met them as little kids, but never grew in God together. But right now I have 2 friends, Anthony and Nikki that we pray and study the bible together. Its amazing, I don't know how else to describe it. I brought Anthony to know God, I didn't personally help him accept God into his life, but I sponsored him on a retreat that lead him to give his life to God and that feeling was amazing. And the change in him has truly been night and day, he is really giving it his all to live for him and our relationship continues to grow, I couldn't be happier, and even though at a pt i thought he and I was supposed to date, I liked him alot, that's not the case now. I know God has a plan, I love his heart, his passion and his kindness, he's wonderful person, I am blessed to be his best friend and i know he loves me and I'm content with our relationship. And Nikki, I really can see her turning back to God now and that makes me estatic, I love that girl. Grant me she confuses me and wants to make things harder than what they have to be, but I wouldn't change her one bit, she has such a pure and caring heart, I love that I can be my complete self with her and well anthony as well. God has truly and fully blessed me with 2 amazing friends that I can really count on. I didn't realize that so much with Anthony, till I left my interview today and within minutes he txted me asking how it went. I knew Nikki was there for me, she was the only one to ask if I was ok when I was fired. The ONLY one to ask if I was ok. Everyone said they were sorry and it sucked but she asked if I was ok. That meant ALOT.
I sat the other night at church and realized that one thing that always holds me back is the feeling of lonliness, grant me, I have family, friends, my youth kids, Nikki, Anthony, but I don't have a boyfriend and that really bothers me. I dont have that special relationship. I have always wanted that, that loving, caring, someone there to hold me, relationship. But i finally and truly laid it God's hands, he has someone out there for me and he'll bring us together in his time, I have to have faith and trust God. And loosing my job, knocked the wind out of me, but I have to once again have the faith that God will take complete and total care of me. I can't even begin to count the ways he has already. I love God with everything I have and I have to begin to lean on his arms and know he will show me the way. I have to open my heart for his guidence.
Wow, I figured I'd ramble, and I did, but it felt good just to write. I have a feeling I'll be taking the time to do this more, feel free to comment. :) Good night, God Bless :)

Just another busy day

So today is my dad's 50th birthday! and well i don't think he's taking it too well. exspecially since we've been foreclosed on and he's having to work on that, AND not to mention that he's last uncle on he's mom's side just passed away. I mean he was 101, he's lived a good long invigorating life, and I believe he was ready to go home. The ironic thing is he was the oldest of 7 and my grandmother was the youngest. She passed away July 28,2006 and three yrs later her oldest brother dies three days after the day she had passed. God knows what he's doing. As much as I'm angry and confused with God I know he has a plan for us. I'm worried about the whole foreclosure issue, but I have to have faith that he will see us through all of this. Not to mention I'm exhausted. I've been working 8 hrs plus at Team Health and then last night I was called in to Deadbeat Pete's to help them b/c Lanie is an idot and was so far behind. I made some money, which is a big plus and will help me to cover some things, but it just made me even more tired. I've switched to contacts now and I'm having to get used to them, the biggest thing with that is the bill I had to pay laying over my head. I hope the check doesn't bounce. It hadn't been a yr since I had been, but I noticed a big difference in my sight and had no choice. but so far I'm really digging the contacts. they're different, its so weird, after a decade of wearing glasses to make the switch! but anyways, I have to work tomorrow at Deadbeat Pete's which is good b/c if you've not got it...I'm pretty broke. Well I'm confused with some guys too. There is this one at work, who's cute and talks/flirts with me, but hasn't asked for my number or anything else. And then there is this guy I went to school with that we've hung out a couple of times, and we txt quiet often and I really like him but I don't know where that's gonna go. Then there is this other guy, that basically we've had 2 drunken hook ups and we talk n I've always had a crush on him, but I don't think he sees me like that. I don't know I'm not used to dealing with dating and guys but after loosing 113lbs I'm looking good and getting attention so I'm having to learn about this stuff ASAP. Any way, I'm exhuasted, so I'm gonna go to bed, let me know what you think...

Why now?

Alright, well today was going pretty damn good. I had talked to all my boys, flirted, worked a little, and then after I get off, I call home and receive the worse news I could image. They are foreclosing on my house and property tomorrow! We own over 80 acres of land and a pretty nice damn house. the land has been in the family for close to 300 years! what am I to do? I live at home with my parents and brother. I'm scared to death we're going to be homeless. I'm angry at God because he's supposed to be there for us and yet we're loosing everything! They say he won't put more on you than you can handle but I can't deal with this and he has laid this at my feet. All I can do is give it back to him and hope for the best, right?!? I have always had faith that God will see us through everything, but what am to feel now? All I can do is have hope that we won't loose everything...any thoughts?